Why Teaching is Bitter-Sweet

This is my 4th year of teaching (and my 6th year if counting how long I’ve worked in secondary schools in other capacities)… but with 150 names on the roster per academic year, that means about 600 different students have had me as their teacher. Whew! That’s 600 someday adults who will go on to other things in the world in the future. They will be mothers, fathers, managers, corporate workers, accountants, teachers, doctors, lawyers, writers, actors, social workers, travelers, interpreters, and overall… members within various communities.

When I think about the implication of WHO they will become, I’m humbled to be a teacher and half-chuckle about what they will think of me and their 8th grade English Language Arts class. Probably something to the effect of, “She gave a lot of homework,” “She seemed frazzled sometimes with how loud we would get,” “She was very matter of fact,” “We read and wrote a lot,” are all things I imagine them saying, but I don’t expect to hear a lot of “We really connected,” or “I feel like she knew me well,” or anything too sentimentally life-changing.

I had an important Mentor that would read and respond to my writing when I was in 8th grade, but it wasn’t my English teacher, it was my youth pastor. Yep, I turned in “papers” to school, but I would write about my life and analyze biblical text outside of an “academic environment.”

With so many students each year, it can feel near impossible to give them the necessary amount of attention, especially with more district emphasis placed on testing and having to data-ize it all. I see the payoff to really “know your kids’ skills,” but I'm not sure if you really get to know your students as people…

Reading 5280 magazine last month for Colorado’s 50 Top Schools, there was an article about the “Teacher of the Year” who basically sounded like a crazy wonder-robot. For realz! She gets up at 2am to lesson plan until 4am, followed by working out, showering, then getting to school around 6:45 and teaching all day until 3:30pm. I closed the article in disgust and thought no wonder teachers in the 1800s one-room schoolhouse couldn’t be married… Is it really possible to have a life and maintain an idealistic level of excellence in this profession?! What about all the hours needed to maintain personal responsibilities, let alone time for pursuing creativity?! Maybe I require more time alone than the average non-artist teacher (haha, like anyone would want a non-creative teacher, hahaha)…

Teach for America might provide kick-ass educators to inner city schools for two years, but I firmly believe anyone can do anything for two years. Most TFAs go on to other things… I’m talking about BURN OUT vs. SUSTAINABLE PRACTICE. What are realistic expectations? Coaching, sponsoring, continuing professional development, etc…

I love my job. I’m good at my job. I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally tired when I leave my job. But do I really want to do anything else?  I’m afraid anything else won’t really satisfy. I don’t want to lose myself in some mindless 40-clock hour factory occupation.  Teaching is DYNAMIC!!! It’s just all the other stuff outside of teaching that sucks away at your soul, or to quote Stephen King, makes “your brain on jumper cables.” I don’t have ADHD, but when I’m in classroom it is next to impossible to focus on anything for more than 5 minutes without some dire interruption.

As far as the students… they are MINE. I see them as my responsibility and I take that on whole-heartedly… and yet it is easy to screw it up… to miss the individual, and for that I apologize to specific students and try to give myself the GRACE needed to continue…

Dear Student,

I know you don’t think I care about you. I know you only think I care about you turning in homework. And while it is true that I want you to do your work, you should know it’s only because I want you to TRY. It makes me sad to think that you don’t care enough about your “education” to even try and complete assignments that you’re probably perfectly capable of doing. But maybe you don’t try because you don’t see the point in doing said assignment.

I get it. Perhaps I have not communicated the reasons behind why I assign certain assignments enough. Perhaps you need a better reason to complete and turn in homework other than just, “I want to see what you know and can do.” Sure, that makes sense to me. Will failing 8th grade change your life? Probably not because in this district the powers that be will move you to 9th grade anyway – yet, you’ll know that you didn’t try… and I’m scared that you may give up on trying altogether when it comes to schooling and that REALLY can mess up your future opportunities.

Yes, I get that you have bigger issues on your mind than passing my class. I understand that working towards a graduation degree five years down the road doesn’t answer your immediate need for social acceptance, self-identity, and physical needs. Trying for grades won’t achieve any of those. However, if you could perhaps just seek to find things in this class that are useful, maybe there would be SOMETHING that could make your life more meaningful for knowing them? Who knows.

After this year, you’ll never have to do 8th grade again, or take this class again, but in the meantime, I just ask that you give it a chance. I’m not writing you off as a learner, so please don’t write me off as a teacher either (because I do care), and I think some part of you does too (even if you have other WAY more important things going on – that’s okay).

Thanks for reading.

Teachers don’t expect their students to die – Experiencing grief and loss at school

The faculty found out on Friday that one of our students had passed away, but was told not to release the information to students until this morning (so they would have school counseling support this week).

When I opened my work email this morning I found the school release letter as planned by the administration. I passed the information out to students to read quietly, because I did not want to be the one to read it aloud. Since it was an upperclassman that died, I knew a lot of my 8th grade students wouldn’t know the student unless they were in Glee club (grades 6-12). 


This year, I’ve helped to co-sponsor Glee Club at my school, and in fact it was only last week that the hit TV show GLEE aired their winter finale episode about teen suicide. In the case of our student’s death, the cause has yet to be determined. This feels like a frustrating fact for those wanting to mourn and not quite sure how. Was there something we could have seen or done? An accident? Either way, we find ourselves without her. A loss feels like a loss no matter what – you can’t bring the person back. 
Thinking back, I remember _____ dancing and smiling, a very happy person. LMFAO’s ‘Party Rock Anthem’ was her personal theme song. She could shuffle like no other (seriously making people jealous of her moves), and would often choreograph our group number dances. She took special time with the 6th graders to making them feel just as important in the club- ‘cool’ to be hanging out with someone older. She had a good heart and was a willing leader in our school community. 


No sooner than taking time with Glee club students to reminisce about ______, at 11:30 am this morning an older high school student walks into my class to talk to her 8th grade sister, who then immediately bursts out crying. I thought the reaction had something to do with their family, but then another 8th grade student said it had to do with a girl who played soccer with them.
Again, I wasn’t thinking it was a student of ours. I thought it a weird coincidence sure, but again, not thinking I knew whom it was. 

Then at lunch time I figured out who (by then), everyone was talking about… God, our ____? What?!By some crazy medical reason we don’t even know yet? Are you sure? She was the picture of health on Friday. I don’t understand. This hits me even more than _________. Thus on the same day of revealing our first loss, our students found out about the second tragedy.

Teachers walked around as numb, dumb-founded, not letting ourselves become too emotional over the loss. We put on a good face for the students and for each other. 


But now it’s after-hours and I can mourn as much and as openly as I want to. Yes death is a common thing. Everyone has to, and will die. But as a teacher (similar to a parent), you expect your students to live beyond you – to accomplish amazing things in the future. 


There’s not enough rationality about death to stop me from feeling the supreme sorrow of having to separate this life from two beautiful, talented, positive, young girls with so much yet to experience… so much to contribute to the world. It’s maddening really. 


So upon my face, upon the page, I try to get it all out. Got to let everything go so I can be put back together again for tomorrow. 


Shrines/ memorials have started to accumulate around the girls’ lockers: cards, flowers, pictures, and notes. They’ll stay up until Wednesday. Funeral services are later this week – and in all this I’m thinking about what to teach next. 


I wish there were something more relevant than “Grammar Notes” on the docket for tomorrow. Yet I think it’s best to present ‘business as normal’ as much as possible, especially for those students who didn’t know either girl very well. 
Grief takes time, and today was too sudden. No time to prepare and say goodbyes. It will most likely take my students (and fellow teachers) awhile to deal with this loss in our everyday.

If you pray, remember our community in your thoughts this week. I’m sure there will be a follow up to this post later on. It’s too new and raw to be actualized processing at this point. 

*The suggestions below I took from another teacher at school today. Not sure where she found them, but I think they’ll help students tomorrow* 


The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. I am so sorry for your loss. 
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. 
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers. 
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is… 
6. I am always just a phone call away 
7. Give a hug instead of saying something 
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you 
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person 

For the Love of Close Reading

Talking to another English teacher this week we discussed our similar realization about students and their aversion to close-reading. In short, inexperienced readers grow impatient with text and do not want to go back and dare re-read anything they’ve think they’ve read before. 

The problem is, inexperienced readers often do not understand what they read the first time they read it. This is partly because they do not ask questions of the text. To really become involved with a story, a reader has to chew on it similar to the way food lovers masticate over juicy steak. Yes, I  just compared reading to the pleasure of food. Words have layers of flavor. They should leave some sort of after-taste in your mind, or you didn’t really read it. You might haven eaten it, but what’s the point if you can’t express or articulate about what you just ate? Where’s the joy in dining? 

Earlier today, I came across the beautiful quotation below about close-reading. After all, what does it mean to study? I’ve come to believe that it means reading something new, then re-reading it, mulling over its meaning, adding personal commentary, followed by comparing/ connecting that data across background experience and other curricular disciplines, then, and only then, determining how it affects oneself and the world around. Information is supposed to lead us somewhere. We don’t read in vain. There must be purpose… or again, what’s the point? 

“Study leads to precision, 

precision leads to zeal, 

zeal leads to cleanliness, 

cleanliness leads to restraint, 

restraint leads to purity, 

purity leads to holiness, 

holiness leads to humility, 

humility leads to fear of sin, 

fear of sin leads to saintliness, 

saintliness leads to possessing the holy spirit, 

the holy spirit leads to eternal life.” 

– The Talmud, Tractate Avodah Zarah 20b:10 

Studying brings life. Nice. 

Teaching the Connection between Science & Literature

Science seeks to provide humans with the definition of man; literature seeks to provide man with the definition of the human experience. As a result, these two subjects have more in common than people give credit. 

(Not convinced? Look up: Isaac Asimov, Ray Bradbury, Mary Shelley, H.G. Wells, Jules Verne, Neil Gaiman, Michael Crichton, even Poe’s Tell Tale Heart) 

I’m currently teaching to my students a unit on Science fiction and persuasive essay writing 

around controversial non-fiction science topics. Their topics have ranged from genetically modified plants, genetic tendencies and homosexuality, nuclear energy, along with society’s correlation with racism in convicting U.S. defendants. All my students picked their own science topics, and all of them ending up really loving what they were writing. 

I think there are couple reasons for this: 1) We are fascinated with our bodies – what makes them tick, how do they interact with the environment, etc., 2) The topics my students chose, directly affected them. One student wrote about air pollution because she asthma. Another advocated for adoption over abortion because her family got her from China. 

My point being, literature engages our senses often because we feel we can 1) relate with a 

character, 2) relate to a conflict or setting, or 3) learn something from the themes the story told. When reading about science, I try to do the same thing. 

I started learning about Marine Biology because I grew up in Florida and love to swim. Taking care of own saltwater fish tank was exciting because I was in awe of the mystery of the ocean and the strange creatures therein. This was only heightened when my school gave me the opportunity to swim with manatees, clean up estuaries, and play with crabs on the beach as a part of my “education.” 

Likewise, I started forming a real interest in Biology (mainly diseases and genes) around the time I found out my nephew was diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. Before he joined our family, I didn’t know anything it, let along physical, speech, or occupational therapy. 

Plus after starting to my watch my dad’s medical condition progress, Anatomy and Physiology seemed like a natural choice to study my senior year. 

So with this much APPRECIATION for Science, how did I end up an English teacher? Well I think a lot of students are held up by “terms.” Conversing in the field of language arts requires some important vocabulary, but not nearly as broad in scope as science disciplines. Secondly, like I’ve expressed before, literature and science aren’t that far removed… and if my math/science geeks walk out of my classroom at the end of this year believing and seeing how they relate, I will count my point made.

Teaching ELA: Reflecting on Culture

What is the role of culture?

• Culture is everything you believe or do to identify with people who are like you and what also distinguishes you from people who differ from you.
• Aspects, such as race, citizenship, dialect/ language, dress, customs/ traditions, habits, beliefs, class, education, and other experiences make up our view of self and perceived culture.

What are the effects of culture?

• Culture can help people feel safe or give a sense of belonging when included in a group. It can keep people working together.
• It’s generally easier to start from an inner perspective or cultural origins when interacting with others, but reflection questions can help expand our view to include others’ values.
• It takes dedication, education, and desire to learn to look beyond self-interest and lead by holding each other accountable for group values.
• We have the need to assess perspectives and beliefs so as not to silence other voices around. This is especially true in our position as educator in society.

What is the importance of culturally responsive teaching?

To benefit from language diversity by using one’s first language as a resource

To access. value an connect with our students background knowledge

To build off our collective strengths as a class by listening to our diversity of perspectives and experiences

To learn from one another so that we are more aware and mindful to respect others’ values

To break down the barriers between “us” and “them “to create a “we” consciousness of collective learning

To have norms and expectations present in the classroom (give the illusion of student brainstorm – ownership) to create an positive climate or open space where students feel comfortable enough to be themselves and share their thinking with each other

To have empathy and flexibility to change and adapt to needs of group

To have inspirational motivation to see what the community can accomplish together

To have intellectual stimulation

To be aware of linguicism  - ideologies and structures that are used to legitimate, effectuate, and reproduce an unequal division of power

To understand how language is learned, to be sensitive to the acquisition process

Excerpt from MA Reflection Essay

            I entered the MA in Secondary English Education program at the University of Colorado Denver in the Fall of 2009 through the Initial Professional Teacher Education (IPTE) program.  Before moving to Denver for graduate school, I received a Bachelor’s degree in English from the University of North Florida and wrote conversational English curriculum for collegiate summer camps while living abroad. My interest around current issues in education grew while working at a small classical charter school in Colorado Springs. As a result of these experiences, IPTE’s focus on urban education and community partnerships interested me. Most of my best memories from the program have less to do with sitting in on-campus classes and more with teaching/ field experience at my site school, Denver Center for International Studies (DCIS). However, that internship would not have been impossible if it hadn’t been for the university’s collaboration with local schools. It was that partnership with authentic school environments that most motivated me in the program.
              Because I wanted to teach as soon as possible, I decided upon the 12-month track of the IPTE program, which translated into a hectic schedule of five classes in the Fall with an additional four in the Spring, on top of the internships in both of those semesters. The beginning half of the program consisted of many influential foundational classes, the first being Exploring Diversity in Content Pedagogy. This course’s emphasis on Understanding Backwards Design (UBD) provided a referential framework from which I plugged instructional strategies and content learned concurrently in other classes. Even in Denver Public Schools ELA training this summer, professional development coaches reference UBD and require teachers to use its form.
            In my first semester internship with DCIS, I implemented lessons created as a result of coursework in Secondary Adolescent Literacy with Dr. Susanne Arnold. I learned how to analyze books for readability, along with how to implement pre-reading, write-to-learn and reading comprehension strategies. Unsure of what to expect from a class addressing literacy needs of all content area teachers, I was pleasantly surprised to learn strategies applicable across various types of texts. It helped me to break down misperceived barriers between who teaches language and who teaches content and to show that all teachers instruct students in both areas.  As an English language arts teacher, I can support the exposure of other content areas in the texts I select for students to read and process. That lesson became particularly applicable at DCIS where social sciences have a large emphasis.
             In tandem, I also wrote some of my best papers in Negotiating the Classroom Culture with Adolescents. I found the textbooks and class activities easy to understand regarding student management theory and now reference educational philosophers whenever I can find someone else with an appreciation for Gardner, Driekurs, and Gordon. They’ve become my go-to guys for thinking about the classroom environment. DCIS allows teachers a lot of freedom in setting up classroom structures and expectations and it’s been good to think about different ways of implementing more democratic educational moments in my teaching, whether that’s providing student choice in creating and evaluating curriculum.
            I found Theory and Methods of Teaching Secondary English with Professor Rich Argys beneficial to my basis for writing content specific curriculum. He provided students with knowledge about professional affiliation resources, and I joined and attended the Colorado Language Arts Society (CLAS) conference to ‘steal from’ and connect with other local teachers’ expertise. The Body of Evidence Unit Plan posed a satisfactory challenge in scale and scope, reiterating strategies from Dr. Arnold and the ‘how-to’ method of UBD.
             All my Internships and Site Seminar credits took place at DCIS under the guidance of Leslie Prock as site professor, and Marjorie Larner as site instructor. Both of these ladies encouraged me with unfailing confidence in my abilities to teach well. I was first placed in a 7^th and 8^th grade language arts classroom with Dr. Karen Fernandez. I can remember how nervous I felt the first day about how to interact with 12 and 13 year old students, and yet Karen let me try whatever idea I wanted. For a mentor, I couldn’t have asked for someone more open, flexible, or supportive of my ideas. I also had the chance to observe and work with 11^th grade British Literature students and Dr. Susan Marion before deciding to I enjoyed middle school students more than I originally predicted.
            Moving into the second semester of my 12-month IPTE experience, I prepared for my full-time internship with 7^th and 8^th grade students at DCIS. Exploring Diversity in Content and Pedagogy II met every so often to discus our final clinical experience. I also continued learning instructional strategies for language arts through taking Adolescent Literature with Professor Argys. It built on my previous content theory class by adding more experiential study of YAL books, 24 titles of our choice along with instruction on how to implement student lists, book talks and literature circles in the classroom. Since then, already in my first year of teaching I’ve used those structures to create a culture of reading importance.
            At the end of May I ecstatically accepted the opportunity to continue at my internship site school, DCIS, through employment as a UCD Contract Teacher for 8^th Grade English language arts. I continued my coursework during the summer with Denver Writing Project and immediately implemented lessons of poetry, model/ genre texts, and various engaging writing prompts when school started the following year. Because nine hours of course-work was compensated under the UCD Contract Teacher position, I took a class during the fall and spring semesters of my first year of teaching. Critical Issues in American Education was offered online and fit with my busy schedule, while Research for Teachers required some more time management as I conducted research in my classroom around student engagement and evaluated the data. Similar to Integrating Media in eLearning Environments, I found the research and tech skills especially practical to the 21^st century classroom in improving and defending one’s teaching practice, something teachers will have to do more and more in the coming years. Choosing Language & Literacy Across Curriculum with Dr. Nancy Shanklin as my last class was also a wise decision because it brought back to mind Dr. Arnold’s class which had such a profound impact on me at the start of the program. My overall take-away from these two literacy classes is as an accountable teacher desiring growth, it’s important to know the research and rationale behind the strategies one uses with students.
             In reflecting on my MA studies experience, I feel that the mix of courses that I took offered both a locally specific view and larger national contextual view of education, as well as pragmatic approaches to teaching. However, there were moments when I felt the teaching of ‘best practices’ was not modeled but rather lectured on in length when college students also have diverse needs as learners. Still, as a result of my time spent in the program at UCD I’ve gained knowledge and confidence in the areas of planning curricula, delivering effective instruction, creating an educational and social climate, providing for student advocacy, continuing in developing myself professionally, and being an agent for change in my immediate surrounding environment and beyond. I’ve set professional goals for myself outside of the master’s program and will continue to develop my understanding of political and social changes coming down the line in education. Already I’m participating in piloting the new evaluative LEAP framework for teachers and adopting the new common core standards into my classroom planning of literacy lessons. Because of all the impending changes in the field, I think the university’s IPTE program will be required to continually adapt and instruct new teachers about more of the politics and implications of their practice so as to really prepare them for the realities ahead. 

Wanting the Best, Dealing with A Test

They are sending their kids there next year? Really? Why?! 

Nothing against (insert parent name here),  but yes against (insert parent name here), considering I’ve been to that school several times before to tutor high school students in literacy, only to work with a 10th grade student reading on a 3rd grade level. I remember feeling shocked over the achievement gap then, and now I feel even more scared that two of my lower-literacy leveled students are going to transfer there next year! 

The news makes me feel so helpless and angry because their parents want to change schools, and the students want to try something else but somehow I feel like our school is the best place they could be (especially when compared with insert poor performing school here) because teachers actually care about them where they are! Ugh. I don’t understand the appeal of attending a bigger public high school, that has scored low-performing year-after-year… a place where there are more likely to run up against gangs and more overwhelmed teachers who don’t know them at all. I want to know WHY?! And this is where self-righteous-attitudes surface…

As a teacher, I sometimes think I’m better than parents. Sure, in some cases it could be argued yes or no, but the point is – I’m not their parent. I don’t know what’s best (even though I feel like I do and should have a say in these students’ academic careers). 

Still I fear for these two students and really do want them to succeed – to read – to love what I love… and yet it does take a community (not just me) to support a child. Just because I personally interact with around 130 students a day in my classroom doesn’t mean I can be a ‘Superman’ to them all… that’s a tough truth to face when often teaching’s inspiration is “to make a difference,” and no doubt I do… but at the same time, it’s not just me who has the potential to screw up a kid… thus, I can’t be the only one to save him either. 

Destiny is bigger than that. Sovereignty doesn’t answers questions of race, class, gender, 

orientation, or cultural influence. 

So I could ask ‘why’ until I’m a hyperventilating mess of tears (which I’ve done) but the frustration doesn’t answer anything, other than – Life happens. We choose somethings, but we don’t choose everything. We are pre-determined characters thrown into worlds created. May we each respond with out best for every student, every day.